Squid of Man

Here's some sweet, sweet justice. This moron camped out, bought himself a $900 bundle of PS3 goodness at the expense of some kid who actually wanted a PS3, then promptly turned around and listed it all on ebay.

Without setting a reserve.

The winning bid was $651.

When eBay profiteering goes wrong [NeoGaf]

If there's one thing i'm thankful for in life (and I mean truly, truly thankful), it's that there's no such thing as the Happy Room Academy. If my living quarters were arranged in a grid-like manner, and I was being critiqued on my furniture placement down to the most minute detail, I'd develop so many complexes I'd wind up a prisoner in my own house. Bolted doors, plastic covers on the couches, the works.

Fear has gripped me, then, after seeing these photos of some Spanish kid's Animal Crossing playset. Being able to move around a little action figure's furniture is only one step away from a 12-inch doll's furniture, which is then only two steps away from the real deal.

This thing is REAL. No shit. It's the Russian PC Gamer for this month.

Poster-sized prints, please.

[Thanks Rossignol]

So IGN launch their "Australian wing". Thousands are...nonplussed. And not just because of the complete absence of actual Australian content.

The Aussie editor, Bennett Ring, implores you all to sign up to the IGN boards, so that they can have "a nice community bubbling and fermenting in no time". What he fails to mention is that to access half the thing you need to be a paying subscriber.

For a fucking message board. Knowing that, his desperate pleading is revealed to be not an appeal for the fostering of a community at all, but a diabolical sales pitch.

I didn't want to believe the rumours. I refused to believe them. Surely Konami, brewers of the world's finest football game, wouldn't punt the ball so comically into their own net. Surely they wouldn't go to all the trouble of releasing a brand-spanking new, shiny next-gen version of their game, only to cripple it to such an extent that some of gaming's most passionate fans would take to the streets in protest.

And yet...that's exactly what they've done.

Can somebody explain to me why the FUCK I should pay more for a version of a game that features only 8 stadiums as opposed to the PS2's 32? Why it lacks an editing mode, the games only defence against it's archaic licensing arrangements? Why you cannot even save your fucking replays to your 20gb hard drive?

I would go on, but the venerable Eurogamer have poignantly halted the need for further comment with their verdict:

"Having raked in the profits from selling literally tens of millions of copies of the various PES games over the years, it's absolutely mystifying why Konami still brings its most important game to market with such a degree of unapologetic poverty. PES6 stinks of a cynical, half-arsed attempt to mug the 360's hungry user-base into buying a next-gen version of their favourite football game. Not only is it far from 'next-gen' it's not even properly finished."

And I can't even buy an Xbox version that has the same features as the PS2. Fuck you, Konami.

...You are an ignorant cunt.

Love and kisses,

Squid of Man

Holy shit.

Sony has gone and killed Lik-Sang. Killed it dead. Out of naught but spite.

Furious at the online retailer for bringing hope and salvation to frustrated European gamers, who it shipped Japanese PSPs to during the systems 9-month delay between the two territories, Sony launched a series of seemingly flimsy legal challenges against Lik-Sang. And somehow won.

Sony claimed they were determined "to protect consumers from being sold hardware that does not conform to strict EU or UK consumer safety standards, due to voltage supply differences et cetera". Now, i'm no judge, but even I can smell legal horseshit when presented with it.

Those packs came with legal, EU-certified adapters. They were never going to burst into flames, endangering life and property like, say, oh, a Sony laptop battery. Sony just cracked a massive shit when an online retailer found ways to circumnavigate their anarchich hardware release schedules.

This is quite possibly the worst thing to happen in gaming for a long time. There is no valid reason for this. Sony has acted out of childish petulence, and somehow been awared a win for it, and as a result the world's largest online retailer of video game products is now out of business, citing the overwhelming legal costs of the loss as the reason for their closure.

But wait, it gets even better/worse. Along with the press release announcing their demise, Lik-Sang published a list of top Sony Europe execs who bought their PSPs from Lik-Sang during the release delay. The list includes Ray Maguire (Managing Director, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe Ltd), Alan Duncan (UK Marketing Director, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe Ltd), Chris Sorrell (Creative Director, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe Ltd) and Rob Parkin (Development Director, Sony Computer Entertainment Europe Limited). It...it just...bah, you just can't even put it into words.

Lik-Sang marketing director Pascal Clarysse had this to say: "Blame it on Sony. That's the latest dark spot in their shameful track record as gaming industry leader".

Amen brother. Fuck you, Sony. Fuck you to hell.

Eurogamer brings ill tidings this morning.

Seems Contact, the only upcoming DS game that looks even remotely interesting, is slipping to February 2007. At least, it is in Europe. And in the absence, as expected, of Australian release info, we can take that to mean here as well.

Fuck this. What is this, 1997? It's already out in the US, why hold it over for so long?

The PS3 “features” list is like acid to my ears. I care not for Blu-Ray, I don’t have a 1080p television, HDMI is 5-6 years away and I most definitely do not have $1000.

But there’s a corn in every nugget of shit, and today, I have found the PS3’s lone, golden morsel.

It comes in the form of an “install” option. Gamers enjoying the "historical accuracy" of Genji at Sony’s Gamer’s Day event in the US last week noticed the curiously labelled option in the game’s menu, and demanded answers.

Looks like you can literally install 4GB of essential data onto the PS3s HD, which will cut load times down from 15 seconds to four seconds. I mean, hot damn. That’s a nifty feature, and is one you would have expected Microsoft to have been all over with the 360.

My hat is off to you, Sony. Just this once.

Fucking rad.

[via modblog]

Say it ain't so, Nintendo.

This is just going too far. I grudgingly accepted the lack of HD support for the Wii, and am finding ways to deal with the lack of Dolby Digital. But forcing me to buy my component cable online? You're telling me that on December 7, when I diligently pick up my launch-day console, i'm going to have to play it on my 32" HDTV using composite cables?

Fuck you, Nintendo. If you're not including component cables (which you understandably are not) in the box, the least you could do is let me purchase the cables at the same time.

Of course, as you are probably aware, Nintendo Australia don't even have an online store. Which means there's a tiny chance we will see the cables in stores. Or, more likely, that we'll have to order them over the phone.

If that doesn't poignantly summarise just how fucking backwards Nintendo Australia are, you don't know what poignant means.

If you don't think The Melvins are the greatest fucking band on earth, you should stop reading this and go throw yourself under something heavy and do not dare get up again until you realise the error of your ways.

(A) Senile Animal is a joyous return to ballsy, dirty, thunderous rock as only they can conjure. There's no static, no 14-minute feedback tracks, just guitars, bellowing and some familiar riffs. Plus, as an added bonus, they went and added two more members to the band for the album, which means TWO BASS GUITARS and TWO FUCKING DRUMMERS. Oh yeah.

Unless you're some pasty, DnB-listening fruitcock, you'd do well to get yourself a copy.

So today, I visit The Australian's IT section, and I see something that I was fully expecting, but hadn't expected to see so soon.

The PS3 hype machine is already rolling into top gear.

I'm not talking about advertisements or demo booths or anything like that. No, i'm talking about something far more sinister. It might be journalistic ignorance (perhaps), or it might be the pulling power of Sony's PR people (more likely), but the gaming section of The Australian today ran a lead story titled, "PS3 tipped to take next-gen crown".

It's source? Japanese games magazine publisher Enterbrain President, Hirokazu Hamamura. I don't find the man's opinion alarming - in fact, he makes some valid points, comparing the PS3's projected slow start to a similar mountain the PS2 overcame against the Dreamcast. It's the paper's decision to focus solely on his opinion I find distasteful.

There's an analyst report released approximately every four seconds claiming some mystic, arcane knowledge of who will emerge victorious from gaming's battle royale. So why the fuck did The Australian post this one? Did that article win a ballot, an electronic chook raffle held between analyst predictions, the winner of which was published? What could possibly have compelled the writers to pluck one of what must literally be hundreds of credible, serious predictions and publish it as though it was newsworthy?

Ignorance or Money. It's either one or the other. And either way, it means if you want credible coverage of the games industry in Australia, you'd best stay the fuck away from The Australian.

So, last week, Australian Playstation boss Michael Ephraim played the good corporate shrill and said something stupid about Microsoft and Nintendo. Something so stupid, in fact, it propelled the otherwise anonymous local man into something of an internet cause celebre: he said he was worried they were too expensive.

Way to go, Michael.

Today, he's gone one better. Again, in keeping with what I'm presuming is now official corporate policy, he supported this initial remark with something even stupider: "Sorry you didn't have the opportunity to buy a PS3 this year, but I'm sure it beats lining up in a queue for hours on end only to be told the store has sold out."

What. The. Fuck? Not getting a PS3 beats lining up for...what? Is he talking about the Wii and 360, which have millions upon millions of units on deck and will be readily available? No, he can't be. I mean...that's about as obviously wrong as it gets. Is...he...well...shit, I think he actually might be.

Michael, you need to go and shut the fuck up. Your console is launching at $1000 and is going to be at least five months late. That's bad enough PR as it is, you don't need to go making yourself look like a complete ass by making shit up.

EDIT: "Anonymous sources" have told Game|Life that the cause of the split is due to the Clover team wanting to piss off from Capcom and form an independant studio. That's a story that makes a lot of sense.

Oh, Capcom, why? Why do you always have to go and fuck perfectly good things up all the time?

Word (very Japanese word, too, I might add) has spilled today that Capcom are disbanding Clover Studio ala Sega in the "bad old days".

There might be more news contained in the "official" announcement, but to be honest Japanese isn't my forte, and the Babelfish translation, while funny, also makes zero fucking sense. Well, outside the obviously literal "because this corporation resolved the dispersion of the clover studio corporation which is the subsidiary company of this corporation". Corporation corporation corporation.

Let's all hold hands and pray that this is just some Japanese hoax, because I cannot see a single good thing coming from breaking up the #1 Japanese developer into small pieces.

Well whaddya know. Turns out kids really dig that Pokemon shit.

That aside, though, it's once again sad viewing. Test Drive Unlimited proves that Australian Xbox 360 users do, or possibly can, not read, as they ignore global warnings and continue buying the game even though it's fundamentally fucked. AFL blah blah blah Fifa blah blah blah.

The award for the most interesting item goes to Singstar Anthems. Not only for the fact it shows there are still single, 28 year-old women buying the fucking thing, but that these are virgin buyers who do not yet own the microphones from some previous, god-awful version. Which I didn't think was possible.

It may have taken two years, but the DS has finally come of age. No more shitty ports or bullshit "touching" games: it's time for a good ol' fashoned schoolgirl rape-em-up.

Better still, it looks like if you pre-order from Play-Asia you get a strictly limited-edition minge-fingering stylus, too!

The game's called Doki Doki Majo Saiban, and is made by SNK! Which means if we're lucky it'll have Mai Shiranui as an unlockable victim! YES!

Introversion's latest "critics favourite", Defcon, is out and for those of us who can't be arsed paying for the privelege of playing it you can snag the demo for nothin'. It's pretty damn cool, letting you live out all your darkest Dr. Strangelove fantasies with none of the post-apocalyptic clean-up to worry about.

Yeah, it's simple, but when you're dealing with the extermination of the majority of the human species and the annihiliation of all other life on Earth I guess it's best to keep the micromanagement to a minimum.

Best of all, the "humour" in which the game is presented shows an ironically thorough grasp of the subject matter. As you'd expect from Introversion, there's no plot or morals or any other kind of baggage: "It's Global Thermonuclear War, and nobody wins. But maybe - just maybe - you can lose the least."

Normally, I hate the French. Their snooty ways disgust me.

But this goes some way towards redeeming them. It is, quite simply, the most adorable video game commercial I have ever seen. Slightly homo, yes, but it is French, so there's some leeway to give in that regard.

Pity it's all a bit of a lie, then. When's the last time you saw (heard?) a gentle, joyous Frenchman on Xbox Live?

That's what I thought.

Titties and the Powerglove. They go together like titties and a Game Boy.

"It's the hardcore gamer's fantasy - a utopia of retro button-mashing and joystick-tweaking, populated by cute girls playing to their heart's content. Nude girls. Arcade coin-ops, consoles, and handhelds galore - it's all fair game for these young lasses in this 2007 calendar of artfully-shot images by famed photographer Cherie Roberts.

Perhaps "artfully-shot" is a bit of a reach, but...yeah. Titties and Nintendo are a winner in my books. "Nerdcore" is available now, and is USD$25.

What the fuck is wrong with you people? Huh, Sony? Are you even listening anymore? Or are you too busy powdering your faggoty French face while you slither "oh, let them eat cake"?

SCE Europe VP Jamie MacDonald sat down for an interview with Gamesindustry.biz yesterday, and was quizzed about what European's (and I guess us by association - GO TEAM PAL) thoughts were on always getting Sony hardware last.

His answer? Oh, I won't spoil it for you by paraphrasing. It's so delicious you simply must sample it for yourself:

GI.biz: What would you say to consumers who like Sony and want to buy your products, but perhaps feel that because they're in Europe they're always last in line?

JMacD: European consumers have shown that historically they don't mind that, because they end up buying as many PlayStations, if not more, than the US and Japan. In Europe, it doesn't seem that the release of our platforms after the US and Japan - in the long run - affects how consumers feel.

I shit you not. They "don't mind". It's not even "spin" anymore. It's arrogance masquearading as a blend of ignorance and denial. The last time shit this bad went down in Europe, heads rolled in Paris. We can only pray for a similar outcome this time around.

The last time such outrage was met with such indifferent arrogance in Europe

Holy shit.

The teaser trailer for 300 has launched, and it's just the greatest thing mankind has ever done.

It needs no further acclamation. Just go watch the damn thing.

Sin City was awesome, but this...this is the stuff of fantasy.

I was waiting for it. Leviathan had earned them some serious cred, and appearances on the soundtracks to shit like Madden and Need for Speed pointed towards two things: a swift sell-out, and a third album that would be an over-produced pile of shit.

Sometimes, it's awesome to be wrong.

Blood Mountain is fucking fantastic. It suffers the same fate as Leviathan, in that it's a tad too shiny and clean compared to the fury of Lifesblood and Remission, but that's a tiny gripe. It's still metal as fuck, with Troy Sanders' voice now all over the place, from doom to hair metal and back again.

Buy it, borrow it, download it, it doesn't matter, as long as you listen to it and realise Mastodon are the best thing to happen to metal in around a decade.

Some clever little cupcake over at Joystiq has gone and done himself, and the world, a great favour. Salvaging what he could from the various screenshots and videos available, he's created a near-perfect mock-up of the Wii's "Mii" avatar creation suite.

It's terrifyingly addictive. And, as an added bonus, it'll save you precious minutes when you first start up your Wii, as you won't need to fuck around for an entire day creating your avatar.

There's a nice range of options available, but anyone looking for something like the EA creation tools will be disappointed - this is definitely geared towards the cute/comedic end of the scale.

From an interview David McLean, regional mouthpiece of Microsoft (since all he seems able to do is regurgitate North American press releases), with The Age:

The Age: How family friendly can you call a console (Wii) that is $399 and possibly around $100 each for extra controllers?

David McLean: "I don't know it's going to be a problem for them this Christmas because of who's going to be buying them this Christmas, the early adopters. They already have a 360 and have put their money down for a PS3. But later on when its $399 plus the controllers... It still is cheaper than an Xbox 360 and a controller and a PlayStation 3 and an additional controller, but what you're not getting is true high def. "

"I reckon they're in a good place for the early adopter community, but I reckon it will change after that because it's not quite high definition gaming, and I don't know that there are enough other experiences around it. "

There you have it kids. You're not getting your money's worth if your generic, muscle-ridden FPS game isn't displaying in at least 720p.

I wonder if he realises that the majority of gamers aren't playing 360 games in "true high def" either....

Don't buy it if you're planning on playing solo. There's just not enough to it - it'll grate on you, start feeling like a 1997 Playstation platformer and cause you to take advantage of EB's generous 7-day return policy.

But if you have friends, family or courtiers that you see from time to time, and they're at all likely to play video games with you, get it. As a two-player co-op game, this game has few peers, with an awesome mix of simple-but-delicious combat and genuinely co-operative puzzle solving.

It's a blast. You'll be high-fiving your mates when you solve the puzzles, cussing them when they accidentally kill you for the 19th time and pissing yourself at the ridiculous combat animations and cutscenes that provide an "abridged" version of the classic trilogy. There's a lot of love been put into this game, and you'll get a whole lotta love out of it (provided you're not a completely anti-social nutcase).

Also, bonus points for finally having a Hoth stage that's enjoyable.

Nintendojo are claiming that they've got clarification from Nintendo that the mighty Wavebird will not only be compatible with 'Cube games being played on the Wii, it may well be compatible with some Wii games, with Smash Brothers lining up as the most likely candidate.

You'll still need to use the receiver plug, which apparantly fits snugly into the 'Cube ports at the top of the machine, but aside from that it sounds like it'll work like a treat.

No word on whether that also means we can use it instead of the "Classic" controller, but if you could that would be fucking awesome.

You've probably already noticed, but Microsoft are dumping most of the cool shit from X06 onto the Xbox Live Marketplace. Of particular interest should be the Bioshock trailer, which while taking more than a few liberties relative to how close it resembles final, playable product, is simply the most astounding trailer ever released for a video game.

It's probably incredibly shallow to rate a trailer, but after you've seen it, you'll know what I mean. It's so...visceral, so atmospheric, it leaves you utterly breathless. This game cannot come soon enough.

If you don't have a 360, or aren't connected to Live, you can check it out here.